Tell me your lies

I have a really bad memory. To gauge the intensity of that statement you have to be in my headspace. Like always, I don't want it to be misunderstood. So, let me explain. You know those people who remember the faces and names of everyone they encounter including the dukandaar? People who can recall dates and years of important historical events( as if it's that simple).People who will notice all the tiny little details of stories they read or movies they watch. Well, I am not one of them. If I have to rate myself on a scale of 1 to 10, I will probably give myself a three for my memory. Believe me, I am that bad.

                  This one fact explains a hell lot about the person I am today. Its as if you have no memories at all. Okay, okay-"no real memories".I am stuck with memories of memories, some infiltrated by a nameless monster, some seems to me like splattered muddy droplets on a clean floor. If you look carefully, you can even make figures and shapes out of the splatter.

           

                                             Credits:https://unsplash.com/@guilhermestecanella

                 My friend starts a conversation -"This is the person whom I told you about the other day.." I smile (of course without the display of my teeth, which would be shocking for various reasons), I even say -"Oh Yeah, I remember " to make my lie look convincing. My friend goes on with the conversation anyway, yet I feel caught. Even if the person opposite is quite enthusiastic, it won't take me a minute or two to turn it into an awkward one. That's exactly why  I don't meet eyes with people. Yeah I know, I know, you are not supposed to do that because it's extremely rude. But I am constantly scared. I am terrified that my lie will be exposed.                                                                  It's brought to my notice that I am 'unapproachable'.Yeah, sometimes truth hits so hard. So, let me clear things up. It's okay, you can speak to me. I won't interrupt and  I am not much of an orator, so I won't judge your communication skills. Also, I like to listen so the mirror of your soul doesn't matter to me. Look me in the eye and tell me your lies, your stories, with those intricate details, slipped in between to make it sound real. Be a pro, craft it like no one has done before, so you don't bore me to death. Give me those nice compliments that you don't really mean(that'll keep the conversation engaging). Share with me your heartbreak sagas but only from your perspective. Complain about how the whole world is against you and how unfairly your boss treats you. Tell me how that attractive new pair of shoes you bought online won't fit you how hard you try and it makes you wanna cry. Don't feel guilty that world peace isn't your priority right now. Feel free to feel anger, hatred, jealousy, and grief. They are human emotions, they do not define you. I will listen. I will listen hard and I promise, I'll never let anyone know. This will be our little secret. You'll keep mine and I'll keep yours. You don't need to worry, because I will probably forget it anyway.

Out of tune

Have you ever felt a lack of control over your own life? I've never felt that way until recently. Probably because I didn't have a sense of self for the most part of my life. This sudden revelation is not because a pandemic has swallowed the whole world and forced us into our own homes. When the idea of marriage as the next step in life, is put forth so innocently in an otherwise harmless conversation, it strikes you. You start seeing yourself as an individual, apart from the group. You see how effortlessly you managed to pull off the obedient kid drama."No.. no.. who told you are obedient? When were you obedient? You are not the good kid we assumed to be. Instead, you turn out to be a girl who talks back to her elders. You better mind that tone of yours. Always speaking unnecessarily. Good girls speak only when spoken to."Oh, I'm sorry, I won't do that again, I promise. But you know you would break that one.

       

                                 credits:https://unsplash.com/@kowalikus

              Never have I felt like a person capable enough to take a decision on my own. There are always people around you, who know what's good for you. People with vast experience and knowledge, who have seen life and embraced it with such grace. Oh, wait. I can't see them anymore. I see dark circles, leathery skin, tired soul, oh there it is! right behind their eyes, I can see ghosts that feed on souls; lurking around to feed on the leftovers, remnants of who they used to be once. I see regrets, penitence, and obedience. My lips swallow the words, I smile at them, then slowly turn around. I hear a sigh. I resist the urge to turn back and walk slowly. A tangerine light draws me to it from somewhere around the corner, so I keep walking.

Begin Again

My laptop screen makes me feel nauseated. It gives me a headache. Not the unbearable horrible type but the subtle discomforting one. My hand involuntarily lifts and find it's way to my forehead. Then slowly, I rub along my eyebrows in an outward motion as if it would somehow make it go away.

         I started this blog in 2016 when I joined college. In the last 4years, I had posted like what 4 times and updated it umpteen times. I hate what I write after a point of time, so there is only one post right now on this blog. COVID has forced me out of my shell and I've promised myself to write regularly(well, almost) on this blog. I thought I should clear that out of the way, before proceeding further. 

            So, as I was saying, I hate laptops man! Thirty minutes into typing and my head is swirling. Mobiles are way cooler. The only problem is my joints are aching like hell, coz I am a sloth in the body of an evolved ape and I spend 90 percent of my time glued to my phone. Therefore, I have decided to spend that time more productively from now on.

      I don't care no one will ever read what I write. I think writing is gonna save me in some way(not that I'm good with words and all). It will keep me sane. So, ladies and gentlemen, here I begin.